My daughter has a scouting trip coming up, and my heart and my mind are in conflict on this one. My brain is okay. I trust the troop leader to keep her safe. I trust my daughter to behave reasonably well and follow instructions. I even trust the other parents to safely drive her there and back. But my heart, well, that's another story. Will she be able to sleep at night so far from home? Will she have a meltdown? Will she scare herself silly riding a roller coaster that's too intense? Will the bigger girls treat her nicely? Will she be kind to all the others, even if they have a moment or two themselves? Will the other drivers on the road be as safe as I want them to be when they are near my child? And if I decide she's too young to go, will I be doing it for her good or my fear?
We've had an unusually warm and early spring. Everything is blooming. I was sorely tempted to set out my seedlings early. I have learned from past mistakes and held myself in. I saw many novice gardeners at the home improvement store last weekend though. They had carts of annuals and bags of dirt and were talking happily about how nice the colors were and how it was a perfect day to be outside. I winced inwardly on their behalf.
Tonight there is a frost warning. The weather was mild and sunny all day. Clear skies - perfect for letting all the heat escape. I hope we don't get a frost. I hope the plants that would be affected have had enough time to grow strong enough to get through the night. I hope the sheets I spread out will protect the littlest ones.
But ultimately, this is out of my control. And so is my daughter's welfare on this trip. I can do everything in my power to make sure she's protected and ready for the trip, but there are things I just can't control. This is very hard for a mommy. I'm a novice parent. Am I setting out my little seedling too early? There are no "last-frost" dates safety-pinned to the blanket when you take your baby home from the hospital. Parenting books and almanacs will give you averages, but there are no guarantees.
So, what can I do? I'm going to have to trust her heavenly Father to be in charge of this and make all things work for good. In my brain, I know without a doubt that God's hands are the very best place for her to be. In my heart, I ache to hold her tight and beg God to keep us both safe and together forever. But that's not what parenting is about. Is it? And it's not what trusting Him is about either.
My prayer: Almighty Father, how you must know my angst. You sent your Son to earth for me, knowing what He would face. You loved me that much - surely you understand how much I love my child. How can I not trust you completely with my child's welfare? Please keep her safe from all harm - physical, emotional, spiritual. Hold her in your arms and bring her home full of stories and joy. And give me grace and strength to do my job as a mother. Help me to let go when I need to, and to equip her to be the strong, courageous, God-fearing, lovely young lady You have made her to be. And please help me to not worry about her, but guide me to the right decision and let me feel peace with it.
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